The really ****ty preview enters week 13 of the 2016 season. Our amazin' CU Buffs sit at 9-2 (7-1), ranked #9 in all 3 polls and sitting atop the Pac-12 South. After getting our fill of turkey and trimmings on Thanksgiving and the all-important Black Friday leftovers feast, IT IS ON. Saturday at 5:30 pm. Folsom Field. Sellout crowd. National broadcast on FOX. #9 Buffaloes vs #22 Utes. Pac-12 South Title on the line for our Buffaloes. This is what it's all about, folks.
In the spirit of Thanksgiving and the ginormousness (yes, I've decided that's a word) of this week's game, I felt like doing something a little different for this edition of the really ****ty preview.
But before we get to that, forms must be observed.
1. Utah sucks and we will crush them.
2A. I'm still happy that CU moved from the Big 12 to the Pac-12.
2B. Don't confuse The Y with The U. Here's a handy image you can print out as a reminder card:
3. Their hand sign is the "Double Loser" (particularly appropriate after that Oregon performance last week).
4. Obligatory poop reference.
The above image is Utah Lake from this year. An algae bloom covering at least 90% of the water body. This natural disaster flowed up the Jordan River all the way to Salt Lake. The cause? Utah, as we knew, is full of ****.
5. Gratuitous poop reference.
6. Mascot smack.
Until 1996, Utah was blissfully ignorant of political correctness.
Then they got pressured to move away from their caricature of a Native American and had to come up with something. In the proud tradition of Kansas State, they went with the go-to for any underfunded athletic department from a backward state: buy a mascot head and you can borrow the rest of the costume from the team to save a few ducats. Enter "Swoop".
I do give credit for the way they kicked it up a notch by cutting the hair off some Troll dolls and hot glue gunning it to the mascot sleeves.
Nice touch, Utah!
Whew. Think I nailed it. At least no worse than previous ****ty previews.
What I really want to write about is more sentimental. I got to thinking about Thanksgiving, which you may not know is a holiday about giving thanks. It's not officially about gorging yourself beyond what the final notch on your belt will accommodate, watching ****ty NFL games in a tryptophan coma, checking out some pumpkin chunkin...
...maybe donating to a food kitchen to assuage guilt from 11 months of giving zero ****s, and trying to avoid making drunken comments about the relatives around you who are pissing you off. It's true. I looked it up. The giving of thanks. Wow.
As a Colorado Buffaloes football fan in the year 2016, I'm thankful for a whole lot. This season has been better than a bike under the Christmas tree. Dare I say, even better than a bj on your birthday. So I wanted to do this "giving of thanks" thing right. I struggled for days with how best to express what I'm feeling and what I think other Buffs fans are feeling. What's the right tone? Who captured the essence of this feeling?
And then it hit me. Michael Jordan's Hall of Fame Enshrinement Speech.
So, without further ado, the "really ****ty giving of thanks":
Thank you. Thank you.
I told all my family I was just gonna come on here and say ‘thank you’ and sign off. I can’t. There’s no way. I got too many people I gotta thank. And the world needs to know what Buff fandom is all about. Where does our competitive fire come from? What do all the other programs, fans and people mean to our competitive fire? The world deserves to know and this diatribe is meant to both thank as well as educate.
Well it all starts with our past from the Big 8 and Big 12 days – you guys see all the highlights; what is it about Buff fans that you guys don’t know?
There was Kansas. Remember them? Smugly telling us to wait for basketball season after the annual kicking of their asses? Thank you.
There was Iowa State. A program forever linked to two painful memories: 1) Bill McCartney retiring to spoil a Heisman-clinching day; and, 2) An actual mother****ing cyclone ripping through their stadium, signaling the end of the Barnett era, and heralding the beginning of CU's long walk through the desert of despair. Thank you.
There was Oklahoma. From Chuck "White Shoes" Fairbanks nearly destroying CU football as our coach to that human cartoon "The Boz" wanting to tackle Ralphie to turning like a cheap whore into the arms of UT when the conference realigned. Thank you.
There was Kansas State. Epic losers in the history of college football who rode a philosophy of loading the team with JUCO transfers who had been able to maintain a 'D' average in PE classes into an arrogant belief that they were a program to be respected. Thank you.
There was Missouri. A dog**** program that's never won anything and has as its main claim to fame & fan rallying cry a "5th down game" on a day when field conditions a bankrupt high school would be ashamed of almost gave them a win over Colorado. Thank you.
There was Oklahoma State. Like KSU, a program that was willing to forget it was an educational institution if it would help them win. Highlighted by players such as Dexter Manley who tearfully revealed after his NFL career that he is illiterate. But despite that were still a cupcake until this runt of the litter nudged up next to big brother OU to get a place at UT's teat and a windfall donation from a Texas oil man, proving to us that you also have to beat those who don't sell out by half measures. Thank you.
There was Nebraska. Oh, Nebraska. We could be here all day for this one. As fans, a collection of the most boring and deluded people on the planet. Devoid of any detectable sense of humor. Brainwashed and poorly educated enough to believe anything they are told. Like all fans, told by the marketing department that they're the best fans in the world. They believe it, buy the t-shirt, and then also decide that one of their best qualities is how humble they are. Beyond that, they were told they are classy. So they pat themselves on the back when they applaud their opponent at the end of the game while selectively forgetting how they'd been chanting "Sal is dead, go Big Red!" just a short time earlier. They are told that their coach is a man of integrity, morality and conscience. So they continue to believe that while he manipulates a coaches poll with a vote reminiscent of a little girl's temper tantrum, makes a decision to play a future jailhouse murderer who was abusing women, and completely went off the rails by stashing a firearm in his safe to delay and obstruct the police so he could keep a player eligible. In the interest of brevity, we can stop there. Thank you.
And as the Big 8 became the Big 12, there were 4 other programs and fan bases that came into the lives of Buff fans.
Baylor. **** bailer! Has there ever been a worse bunch of self-righteous assholes? Murder coverups. Rape coverups. Anything to win, but usually sucking. Our association ending with a full-blown PR campaign to smear Colorado and try to get themselves into the Pac-12. So much fire was stoked by them. Thank you.
Texas Tech. The original knob gobbler of UT. The Smithers to their Mr. Burns. A nothing program in the middle of nowhere that lives off another's table scraps and is the auto-vote accomplice to the destroyer of conferences. Thank you.
Texas A&M. Bunch of weirdos who self-inflict pain to their nuts, shun the idea of female cheerleaders, play dress-up and role play at being fake soldiers, and then spend the rest of their lives flashing their class ring as if it's something to be proud of. Dealing with that on a regular basis helped to forge us. Thank you.
Texas. The school that taught us that narcissism could apply to an organization. If a university could star in American Psycho, that university would be Texas. Money. Power. A drive to destroy when it sees cooperation as something that may be benefiting someone else almost as much as it is benefiting them. There was the high of the 2001 conference championship and the low of the 2005 conference championship. You made us stronger. Thank you.
So they started the fire in us – that fire started with those assholes from the Big 8/12. Thank you all. **** you all.
And as we moved through our lives as Buff fans, people added wood to that fire.
Coach McCartney, you know what else can I say about him? (applause) You know, he’s legendary in the game of coaching. He showed us how great Colorado can be after Fairbanks nearly destroyed a proud program. He lit a huge fire to be exceptional. National Championship. Thank you.
And then there’s Rick Neuheisel. Handed the keys to the kingdom, ****ed it up. More interested in being a media darling and grabbing a PR win for himself by recruiting a girl, and then hightailed it out of town before everyone in the country could realize he was a fraud. But on the way out, sent CU the much-needed message that there had to be a greater commitment to winning or the program could be headed for trouble. Thank you.
And then there’s Coach Gary Barnett, our return to the Colorado dominance of the McCartney era. Brought Colorado to glory by his 3rd year, reminding us that the incredible success in our recent memories wasn't due to only a once in a lifetime coach. But then showed that an inability to handle negative press and a university administration that failed to invest in or support its football program is a death sentence no matter how competent the coach in charge. Thank you.
Dan Hawkins. He taught us the meaning of "fool". Getting fooled by a snake oil salesman. Behaving like a fool. Delivering fool's gold with recruiting. Thank you.
Jon Embree. Here we learned that no matter how passionate someone is and how badly he wants to do a great job, you can't recapture the past. And "back to the future" is certainly not a winning strategy to attempt in the absence of university support or head coaching qualifications. Thank you.
Mike Bohn, Phil DiStefano, Bruce Benson and all other CU administrators through the years (Tharp, Bitsy, certain Regents, etc.) who tore our hearts out with their placement of politics above winning or their inattention to the program or their incompetence or, for some of them, their outright adversarial attitude toward athletics. The pain you caused us forged us in fire. And also to those of you who found religion. Thank you.
To all of the assholes in the media who jumped on stories without having evidence because it helped sell advertising or put you in the spotlight or allowed you to paint yourself as a crusader without worrying about who you hurt... **** you. But also, thank you. You made as stronger.
And it didn’t stop there. You know, our competitive natures went right into the Pac-12 and, eventually, led us to a superstar AD in Rick George and a program-building man of integrity as a HC in Mike MacIntyre.
We decided we'd had enough. We donated like never before. We built like never before. We learned to celebrate our traditions without being stuck in the past. And we forged a new future with new rivals, new traditions and new success. Winning. The fire was always there. It was built, grew and then gained the potential to become hotter than ever before through our decade of pain.
To all the Pac-12 fans and media who didn't know us, who ridiculed us as we were rebuilding things, who didn't understand what Colorado stood for and the heights of success we had reached in the college football landscape... now you're finding out. Your attitudes have only made our fire bigger. Thank you. Now burn in hell.
I know you guys gotta go – I know I’ve been on here a lot longer than I told my family I was going to be on here. I don’t look at this moment in the 2016 season as a defining end to The Rise of Colorado football. It’s simply a continuation of something that we Buffs fans started a long time ago. One day you folks who cheer for another program might look up through your tears and see that you could have something almost as special as what Colorado fans have. Never say never. Because limits, like fears, are often just an illusion. Thank you very much. And **** you all.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Buffs - 52
Utes - 17
Go Buffs!
In the spirit of Thanksgiving and the ginormousness (yes, I've decided that's a word) of this week's game, I felt like doing something a little different for this edition of the really ****ty preview.
But before we get to that, forms must be observed.
1. Utah sucks and we will crush them.
2A. I'm still happy that CU moved from the Big 12 to the Pac-12.
2B. Don't confuse The Y with The U. Here's a handy image you can print out as a reminder card:
3. Their hand sign is the "Double Loser" (particularly appropriate after that Oregon performance last week).
4. Obligatory poop reference.
The above image is Utah Lake from this year. An algae bloom covering at least 90% of the water body. This natural disaster flowed up the Jordan River all the way to Salt Lake. The cause? Utah, as we knew, is full of ****.
5. Gratuitous poop reference.
For the uninformed and possessors of strong stomachs: Definition Link
6. Mascot smack.
Until 1996, Utah was blissfully ignorant of political correctness.
Then they got pressured to move away from their caricature of a Native American and had to come up with something. In the proud tradition of Kansas State, they went with the go-to for any underfunded athletic department from a backward state: buy a mascot head and you can borrow the rest of the costume from the team to save a few ducats. Enter "Swoop".
I do give credit for the way they kicked it up a notch by cutting the hair off some Troll dolls and hot glue gunning it to the mascot sleeves.
Nice touch, Utah!
Whew. Think I nailed it. At least no worse than previous ****ty previews.
What I really want to write about is more sentimental. I got to thinking about Thanksgiving, which you may not know is a holiday about giving thanks. It's not officially about gorging yourself beyond what the final notch on your belt will accommodate, watching ****ty NFL games in a tryptophan coma, checking out some pumpkin chunkin...
...maybe donating to a food kitchen to assuage guilt from 11 months of giving zero ****s, and trying to avoid making drunken comments about the relatives around you who are pissing you off. It's true. I looked it up. The giving of thanks. Wow.
As a Colorado Buffaloes football fan in the year 2016, I'm thankful for a whole lot. This season has been better than a bike under the Christmas tree. Dare I say, even better than a bj on your birthday. So I wanted to do this "giving of thanks" thing right. I struggled for days with how best to express what I'm feeling and what I think other Buffs fans are feeling. What's the right tone? Who captured the essence of this feeling?
And then it hit me. Michael Jordan's Hall of Fame Enshrinement Speech.
So, without further ado, the "really ****ty giving of thanks":
Thank you. Thank you.
I told all my family I was just gonna come on here and say ‘thank you’ and sign off. I can’t. There’s no way. I got too many people I gotta thank. And the world needs to know what Buff fandom is all about. Where does our competitive fire come from? What do all the other programs, fans and people mean to our competitive fire? The world deserves to know and this diatribe is meant to both thank as well as educate.
Well it all starts with our past from the Big 8 and Big 12 days – you guys see all the highlights; what is it about Buff fans that you guys don’t know?
There was Kansas. Remember them? Smugly telling us to wait for basketball season after the annual kicking of their asses? Thank you.
There was Iowa State. A program forever linked to two painful memories: 1) Bill McCartney retiring to spoil a Heisman-clinching day; and, 2) An actual mother****ing cyclone ripping through their stadium, signaling the end of the Barnett era, and heralding the beginning of CU's long walk through the desert of despair. Thank you.
There was Oklahoma. From Chuck "White Shoes" Fairbanks nearly destroying CU football as our coach to that human cartoon "The Boz" wanting to tackle Ralphie to turning like a cheap whore into the arms of UT when the conference realigned. Thank you.
There was Kansas State. Epic losers in the history of college football who rode a philosophy of loading the team with JUCO transfers who had been able to maintain a 'D' average in PE classes into an arrogant belief that they were a program to be respected. Thank you.
There was Missouri. A dog**** program that's never won anything and has as its main claim to fame & fan rallying cry a "5th down game" on a day when field conditions a bankrupt high school would be ashamed of almost gave them a win over Colorado. Thank you.
There was Oklahoma State. Like KSU, a program that was willing to forget it was an educational institution if it would help them win. Highlighted by players such as Dexter Manley who tearfully revealed after his NFL career that he is illiterate. But despite that were still a cupcake until this runt of the litter nudged up next to big brother OU to get a place at UT's teat and a windfall donation from a Texas oil man, proving to us that you also have to beat those who don't sell out by half measures. Thank you.
There was Nebraska. Oh, Nebraska. We could be here all day for this one. As fans, a collection of the most boring and deluded people on the planet. Devoid of any detectable sense of humor. Brainwashed and poorly educated enough to believe anything they are told. Like all fans, told by the marketing department that they're the best fans in the world. They believe it, buy the t-shirt, and then also decide that one of their best qualities is how humble they are. Beyond that, they were told they are classy. So they pat themselves on the back when they applaud their opponent at the end of the game while selectively forgetting how they'd been chanting "Sal is dead, go Big Red!" just a short time earlier. They are told that their coach is a man of integrity, morality and conscience. So they continue to believe that while he manipulates a coaches poll with a vote reminiscent of a little girl's temper tantrum, makes a decision to play a future jailhouse murderer who was abusing women, and completely went off the rails by stashing a firearm in his safe to delay and obstruct the police so he could keep a player eligible. In the interest of brevity, we can stop there. Thank you.
And as the Big 8 became the Big 12, there were 4 other programs and fan bases that came into the lives of Buff fans.
Baylor. **** bailer! Has there ever been a worse bunch of self-righteous assholes? Murder coverups. Rape coverups. Anything to win, but usually sucking. Our association ending with a full-blown PR campaign to smear Colorado and try to get themselves into the Pac-12. So much fire was stoked by them. Thank you.
Texas Tech. The original knob gobbler of UT. The Smithers to their Mr. Burns. A nothing program in the middle of nowhere that lives off another's table scraps and is the auto-vote accomplice to the destroyer of conferences. Thank you.
Texas A&M. Bunch of weirdos who self-inflict pain to their nuts, shun the idea of female cheerleaders, play dress-up and role play at being fake soldiers, and then spend the rest of their lives flashing their class ring as if it's something to be proud of. Dealing with that on a regular basis helped to forge us. Thank you.
Texas. The school that taught us that narcissism could apply to an organization. If a university could star in American Psycho, that university would be Texas. Money. Power. A drive to destroy when it sees cooperation as something that may be benefiting someone else almost as much as it is benefiting them. There was the high of the 2001 conference championship and the low of the 2005 conference championship. You made us stronger. Thank you.
So they started the fire in us – that fire started with those assholes from the Big 8/12. Thank you all. **** you all.
And as we moved through our lives as Buff fans, people added wood to that fire.
Coach McCartney, you know what else can I say about him? (applause) You know, he’s legendary in the game of coaching. He showed us how great Colorado can be after Fairbanks nearly destroyed a proud program. He lit a huge fire to be exceptional. National Championship. Thank you.
And then there’s Rick Neuheisel. Handed the keys to the kingdom, ****ed it up. More interested in being a media darling and grabbing a PR win for himself by recruiting a girl, and then hightailed it out of town before everyone in the country could realize he was a fraud. But on the way out, sent CU the much-needed message that there had to be a greater commitment to winning or the program could be headed for trouble. Thank you.
And then there’s Coach Gary Barnett, our return to the Colorado dominance of the McCartney era. Brought Colorado to glory by his 3rd year, reminding us that the incredible success in our recent memories wasn't due to only a once in a lifetime coach. But then showed that an inability to handle negative press and a university administration that failed to invest in or support its football program is a death sentence no matter how competent the coach in charge. Thank you.
Dan Hawkins. He taught us the meaning of "fool". Getting fooled by a snake oil salesman. Behaving like a fool. Delivering fool's gold with recruiting. Thank you.
Jon Embree. Here we learned that no matter how passionate someone is and how badly he wants to do a great job, you can't recapture the past. And "back to the future" is certainly not a winning strategy to attempt in the absence of university support or head coaching qualifications. Thank you.
Mike Bohn, Phil DiStefano, Bruce Benson and all other CU administrators through the years (Tharp, Bitsy, certain Regents, etc.) who tore our hearts out with their placement of politics above winning or their inattention to the program or their incompetence or, for some of them, their outright adversarial attitude toward athletics. The pain you caused us forged us in fire. And also to those of you who found religion. Thank you.
To all of the assholes in the media who jumped on stories without having evidence because it helped sell advertising or put you in the spotlight or allowed you to paint yourself as a crusader without worrying about who you hurt... **** you. But also, thank you. You made as stronger.
And it didn’t stop there. You know, our competitive natures went right into the Pac-12 and, eventually, led us to a superstar AD in Rick George and a program-building man of integrity as a HC in Mike MacIntyre.
We decided we'd had enough. We donated like never before. We built like never before. We learned to celebrate our traditions without being stuck in the past. And we forged a new future with new rivals, new traditions and new success. Winning. The fire was always there. It was built, grew and then gained the potential to become hotter than ever before through our decade of pain.
To all the Pac-12 fans and media who didn't know us, who ridiculed us as we were rebuilding things, who didn't understand what Colorado stood for and the heights of success we had reached in the college football landscape... now you're finding out. Your attitudes have only made our fire bigger. Thank you. Now burn in hell.
I know you guys gotta go – I know I’ve been on here a lot longer than I told my family I was going to be on here. I don’t look at this moment in the 2016 season as a defining end to The Rise of Colorado football. It’s simply a continuation of something that we Buffs fans started a long time ago. One day you folks who cheer for another program might look up through your tears and see that you could have something almost as special as what Colorado fans have. Never say never. Because limits, like fears, are often just an illusion. Thank you very much. And **** you all.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Buffs - 52
Utes - 17
Go Buffs!
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