The Sh*tty Preview is back and with the help of some social lubricant to even things out after 5 days of sleep deprivation, binging and mini hysteria. This here walking euphoria and hangover is ready to get back in the saddle and drop some bombs!
This Saturday, September 9th at 10am, our triumphant Colorado Buffaloes return to action after shocking Buff Nation by only winning by 3 points at 17th ranked, 2022 national runner-up TCU. The win was expected, though closer than renowned expert prognosticators such as SPI (Sh*tty Power Index) predicted.
Despite the special teams issues, turnover, under-thrown pass, injuries causing some key guys to not play, dropped deep balls, dropped interceptions, sacks given up, refs who aren't aware that offensive holding is in the rulebook, and 6 penalties committed, it was still a useful win. It silenced a lot of those irrational people who doubted...
... landed CU the publicity of a disrespectful poll ranking in only the 20s, gained attention from a lot of recruits (how have they not flipped for CU yet? seriously. how could any situation be a better mix of exposure, coaching, money, fun and dominance? boggles the mind.), and served notice to the Big 12 that CU is coming and you're all gonna be playing for 2nd.
We here!
And now the entire country knows it.
After giving TCU its biggest crowd ever and a FoxSports Big Noon appearance, the Buffs come back to Boulder for a home visit from FoxSports Big Noon.
National network with the prime time slot & broadcast team.
3 Heisman campaigns with Shedeur, Travis and Dylan.
Buffs from 1-11 to 1-0 #22 in the nation.
100 year anniversary of Folsom Field.
Celebrities and elite recruits visiting.
Coach Prime's first Folsom game.
Home opener for Colorado.
Nebraska rivalry.
Sold out crowd.
If you can't get excited about this one, you're in the wrong place. Find another sport. Something like the Finnish Hobbyhorse Championships is probably more your speed.
Nebraska, a renowned volleyball institution, apparently still has a football team. The Sh*tty Preview had to dig deep to confirm this. Apparently they never stopped playing. It was just easy to forget about them during these years of having the longest streak in the nation's Power 5 of not making a bowl game. The Corn are coached by some hirsute lizard man who dresses like he's wearing whatever he had on last night before he passed out under a bridge after failing to get young people to relate to him via his strategy of communicating in emojis.
I'm not certain, but I think he was in a a Land of the Lost episode.
After continuing the proud Husker tradition of Nubbing it in week 1 by snatching defeat from the jaws of victory and causing years of having to hear from the Bugeater faithful about how referee conspiracies, dirty play from the opponent that needs to be investigated by the FBI, and blah, blah, blah why it was a moral victory... I'm recommending that we start a GoFundMe for helping out unhinged Nebraska fans and then spend it all on hookers and blow since there's no helping them anyway. Plus, f^ck em. Plus, they've come to terms with the fact that this is all they are and all they'll ever be. As Tom Osborne so eloquently put it after the latest failure of a HC to win at Nebraska, "...if you looked at the score at the end of three quarters, Scott would have had a really good record." So that's just their standard. Oh, and f^ck em. Plus, they have finally been able to move through their 5 stages of grief and have reached acceptance.
In the year that the Colorado Buffaloes became the place where Coach Prime decided to build his masterpiece, Nebraska hired a guy who has a 47-44 record as as college coach, was just fired for having an 11-27 record as an NFL coach, has an 0-11 record as a P5 coach against ranked opponents, and started his career at his other college stops by going 2-10 and 1-11 in his first year at those places.
It's no wonder their coach went from subtle digs at Coach Prime and false bravado to setting up his excuses by talking about how it takes years to build a winning program, losing his first game in the most soul crushingly familiar of ways, explaining how if a lot of things that happened had not actually happened they could have won so it's a moral victory, and preaching about player development.
Luckily for him, Fusker fans have had to accept the fact that it's much harder to field a winner in Lincoln than it is at places like Ohio or Oregon State or UCF. And it's not like they hired someone who sabotaged a Super Bowl or hid in a closet while a guy was beating his girlfriend. Most importantly, Nub fans know that "player development" and talk of "getting back to Nebraska football" is code for "feed dem farm boys a cattle diet of corn mash and growth hormones" and "we will find some athletes but in the digital age I can't hide evidence in my office safe until the season's over so you're going to need to remove all surveillance cameras from Lincoln."
This is where I was going to shift the tone and insert a break from things. You know, post something I found after googling "Nebraska Coeds" in the proud tradition of the Sh*tty Preview being willing to go the extra mile in its research. Apparently, those search terms are the name of a website that promises sexy content. So I bit the proverbial bullet and paid it a visit. After untold hours of exhaustive research with only short nap, snack and hydration breaks, I am sad to say that I could not find a single model who met the Sh*tty Preview standard. It's not like we're slump busting here. Even worse, for that site to even get to that quality they had to go to Iowa for almost all of the models they used. And, frankly, there's only so much you can handle of the same sh*t for every video.
It was so f^cking unsatisfying that I had to relieve a different kind of stress. So it was off to my workshop. That's where I keep the 275-gallon totes I've been filling with my piss since the 2019 win, the controlled flow autofill pump, and my stash of the easy-break condoms Buffs use when we are playing in Lincoln and take Fusker wives to the men's room. Once I was stocked up on filled balloons and ready to greet Nub visitors in our family tradition of "hit the red target", I fiddled around with polishing up my car-keying and tire-slashing Damascus steel beauty I'd Forged In Fired the sh*t out of for this weekend.
But I still couldn't quite get my mind right. So I hit the underground Buff dojo to work on intimidating through use of publicly inappropriate insults as I perfected my granny-shoving form on some custom made dummies with corn silk hair bleached white and permed into styles which never go out of fashion on that side of the border. Immensely satisfying, but I needed more. It was time for arts & crafts therapy. By the time I had spent a week at the Boulder daycare center teaching the kiddos how to stuff batteries and nails into marshmallows so we could all bring home a generous Nebraska Week supply for our families, I had fully coped with my foray into Nebraska Coeds. I can't say that I wear those scars proudly, but I have learned to move on.
And so moving on and getting back to wherever the f^ck it was when I lost my train of thought... this Nub coach has now reversed course after seeing his team play and watching the tape on the mighty Buffs. He's now going out of his way to compliment CU, talk about how impressive the team is, and sucking up to Coach Prime in hopes that the receipts would get lost. I almost feel bad for him. At this altitude with this humidity, that lip licking freak is not going to have enough juice for all the ass kissing he's doing. Maybe I'll extend the olive branch and leave something at the hotel desk at check-in to help get him though this trying time.
Oh, yeah. I should end with something about the game since that is what the Sh*tty Preview is all about. Nebraska sucks and we will crush them. SPI predicts a CU blowout of such epic proportions that Coach Prime is allowing walk-ons to give different positions a try in the 4th quarter and it makes the game appear much closer than it actually was. But still a smidge better than some other games these teams have played.
Buffs 63
Corn 35
After this domination of the Fuskers, anyone who has been a hater will be silenced, anyone who has been a doubter will find belief like a politician courting the Nebraska holier-than-thou vote, and the Coach Prime Buffs will become such a cultural phenomenon that even folks who can't tell a football from the result of a bad burrito will perk up when they hear "F^ck em up! F^ck em up! Go CU!"
This Saturday, September 9th at 10am, our triumphant Colorado Buffaloes return to action after shocking Buff Nation by only winning by 3 points at 17th ranked, 2022 national runner-up TCU. The win was expected, though closer than renowned expert prognosticators such as SPI (Sh*tty Power Index) predicted.
Despite the special teams issues, turnover, under-thrown pass, injuries causing some key guys to not play, dropped deep balls, dropped interceptions, sacks given up, refs who aren't aware that offensive holding is in the rulebook, and 6 penalties committed, it was still a useful win. It silenced a lot of those irrational people who doubted...
... landed CU the publicity of a disrespectful poll ranking in only the 20s, gained attention from a lot of recruits (how have they not flipped for CU yet? seriously. how could any situation be a better mix of exposure, coaching, money, fun and dominance? boggles the mind.), and served notice to the Big 12 that CU is coming and you're all gonna be playing for 2nd.
We here!
And now the entire country knows it.
After giving TCU its biggest crowd ever and a FoxSports Big Noon appearance, the Buffs come back to Boulder for a home visit from FoxSports Big Noon.
National network with the prime time slot & broadcast team.
3 Heisman campaigns with Shedeur, Travis and Dylan.
Buffs from 1-11 to 1-0 #22 in the nation.
100 year anniversary of Folsom Field.
Celebrities and elite recruits visiting.
Coach Prime's first Folsom game.
Home opener for Colorado.
Nebraska rivalry.
Sold out crowd.
If you can't get excited about this one, you're in the wrong place. Find another sport. Something like the Finnish Hobbyhorse Championships is probably more your speed.
Nebraska, a renowned volleyball institution, apparently still has a football team. The Sh*tty Preview had to dig deep to confirm this. Apparently they never stopped playing. It was just easy to forget about them during these years of having the longest streak in the nation's Power 5 of not making a bowl game. The Corn are coached by some hirsute lizard man who dresses like he's wearing whatever he had on last night before he passed out under a bridge after failing to get young people to relate to him via his strategy of communicating in emojis.
I'm not certain, but I think he was in a a Land of the Lost episode.
After continuing the proud Husker tradition of Nubbing it in week 1 by snatching defeat from the jaws of victory and causing years of having to hear from the Bugeater faithful about how referee conspiracies, dirty play from the opponent that needs to be investigated by the FBI, and blah, blah, blah why it was a moral victory... I'm recommending that we start a GoFundMe for helping out unhinged Nebraska fans and then spend it all on hookers and blow since there's no helping them anyway. Plus, f^ck em. Plus, they've come to terms with the fact that this is all they are and all they'll ever be. As Tom Osborne so eloquently put it after the latest failure of a HC to win at Nebraska, "...if you looked at the score at the end of three quarters, Scott would have had a really good record." So that's just their standard. Oh, and f^ck em. Plus, they have finally been able to move through their 5 stages of grief and have reached acceptance.
In the year that the Colorado Buffaloes became the place where Coach Prime decided to build his masterpiece, Nebraska hired a guy who has a 47-44 record as as college coach, was just fired for having an 11-27 record as an NFL coach, has an 0-11 record as a P5 coach against ranked opponents, and started his career at his other college stops by going 2-10 and 1-11 in his first year at those places.
It's no wonder their coach went from subtle digs at Coach Prime and false bravado to setting up his excuses by talking about how it takes years to build a winning program, losing his first game in the most soul crushingly familiar of ways, explaining how if a lot of things that happened had not actually happened they could have won so it's a moral victory, and preaching about player development.
Luckily for him, Fusker fans have had to accept the fact that it's much harder to field a winner in Lincoln than it is at places like Ohio or Oregon State or UCF. And it's not like they hired someone who sabotaged a Super Bowl or hid in a closet while a guy was beating his girlfriend. Most importantly, Nub fans know that "player development" and talk of "getting back to Nebraska football" is code for "feed dem farm boys a cattle diet of corn mash and growth hormones" and "we will find some athletes but in the digital age I can't hide evidence in my office safe until the season's over so you're going to need to remove all surveillance cameras from Lincoln."
This is where I was going to shift the tone and insert a break from things. You know, post something I found after googling "Nebraska Coeds" in the proud tradition of the Sh*tty Preview being willing to go the extra mile in its research. Apparently, those search terms are the name of a website that promises sexy content. So I bit the proverbial bullet and paid it a visit. After untold hours of exhaustive research with only short nap, snack and hydration breaks, I am sad to say that I could not find a single model who met the Sh*tty Preview standard. It's not like we're slump busting here. Even worse, for that site to even get to that quality they had to go to Iowa for almost all of the models they used. And, frankly, there's only so much you can handle of the same sh*t for every video.
It was so f^cking unsatisfying that I had to relieve a different kind of stress. So it was off to my workshop. That's where I keep the 275-gallon totes I've been filling with my piss since the 2019 win, the controlled flow autofill pump, and my stash of the easy-break condoms Buffs use when we are playing in Lincoln and take Fusker wives to the men's room. Once I was stocked up on filled balloons and ready to greet Nub visitors in our family tradition of "hit the red target", I fiddled around with polishing up my car-keying and tire-slashing Damascus steel beauty I'd Forged In Fired the sh*t out of for this weekend.
But I still couldn't quite get my mind right. So I hit the underground Buff dojo to work on intimidating through use of publicly inappropriate insults as I perfected my granny-shoving form on some custom made dummies with corn silk hair bleached white and permed into styles which never go out of fashion on that side of the border. Immensely satisfying, but I needed more. It was time for arts & crafts therapy. By the time I had spent a week at the Boulder daycare center teaching the kiddos how to stuff batteries and nails into marshmallows so we could all bring home a generous Nebraska Week supply for our families, I had fully coped with my foray into Nebraska Coeds. I can't say that I wear those scars proudly, but I have learned to move on.
And so moving on and getting back to wherever the f^ck it was when I lost my train of thought... this Nub coach has now reversed course after seeing his team play and watching the tape on the mighty Buffs. He's now going out of his way to compliment CU, talk about how impressive the team is, and sucking up to Coach Prime in hopes that the receipts would get lost. I almost feel bad for him. At this altitude with this humidity, that lip licking freak is not going to have enough juice for all the ass kissing he's doing. Maybe I'll extend the olive branch and leave something at the hotel desk at check-in to help get him though this trying time.
Oh, yeah. I should end with something about the game since that is what the Sh*tty Preview is all about. Nebraska sucks and we will crush them. SPI predicts a CU blowout of such epic proportions that Coach Prime is allowing walk-ons to give different positions a try in the 4th quarter and it makes the game appear much closer than it actually was. But still a smidge better than some other games these teams have played.
Buffs 63
Corn 35
After this domination of the Fuskers, anyone who has been a hater will be silenced, anyone who has been a doubter will find belief like a politician courting the Nebraska holier-than-thou vote, and the Coach Prime Buffs will become such a cultural phenomenon that even folks who can't tell a football from the result of a bad burrito will perk up when they hear "F^ck em up! F^ck em up! Go CU!"
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