Football is back!
Buffs open the season Thursday, September 3rd, at Hawaii on CBSSN (11pm Mountain Time).
I'm so ****ing excited for this that I decided to do in-depth research, analyze the Rainbow roster and coaches, deliver some statistical analysis, lay out some well-reasoned keys to the game, and generally enrich the knowledge of the fans.
Yeah. Right.
Hawaii sucks and the Buffs will crush them.
But before we get to football, let's talk about the best thing that ever came out of Hawaii -- Kiana Tom. Back when ESPN ran fitness shows, there was an amazing program called Kiana's Flex Appeal.
Kiana gave a generation of men the inspiration to get hard.
Kiana was an integral part of the morning ritual.
Thank you, Kiana!
Other than Kiana, when I think of Hawaii, I think of things like that horrible Don Ho "Tiny Bubbles" song, the risk of death by randomly falling coconut, giant centipedes hiding in your shoes, and the Brady family getting cursed by the Tiki idol.
Oh yea. I also think of sh!tty football.
It wasn't always that way. I seem to remember a good season about a decade ago when a CU castoff was behind center.
The hilarious thing, though, is the press that Norm Chow gets as their coach. I need to hire that dude's PR agent. Every ****ing article I could find during my exhaustive research for this preview referred to Chow as "Legendary".
I think they believe it out there in Hawaii. Or maybe it's "down there in Hawaii". The maps I've seen put it somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico. Or part of Baja.
Wherever it is, all I know and all that matters is that it's a long ass flight and the natives speak some sort of Spanish.
But I digress. The important thing here is that Norm Chow = Legendary. With Chow at the helm, the Rainbows are gonna be on top of the football world. I saw the promo, so it must be true.
Sure, he's taken some time to build the right kind of foundation. Hawaii is something like 8-39 (I think I read that and I'm damn sure not fact checking) since he took over. This might just take some time. So in the final analysis, I guess the Chow Era is best summed up as follows:
Have the Bow fans waited long enough? Is this the year that Chow rides a QB transfer from USC all the way to Dary? I really don't know. Frankly, I really don't care. All that matters to me is that they continue to suck for another week.
But there's a part of me that does like the Hawaii fans. They know how to tailgate and they do rally behind Rainbow athletics. Most importantly, they don't **** around. A couple years ago -- and I'm not even making this up -- their Athletic Director tried to break up a fight at a UH women's basketball game of all things. He ended up in the hospital with broken vertebrae and bleeding kidneys. And if that's not hardcore enough, losing money through sh!tty football forced the dude to resign last year.
I'm pretty sure that "Hang loose" is a mistranslation and it really symbolizes a Hawaiian telling you how thoroughly he's gonna rip you a new one.
So, yeah, the game.
In a genius bit of scheduling, it's a night game on a work night that starts after most folks are asleep and is being broadcast on a network most folks either don't get or don't know that they do get. So no one is going to see it except for the types of idot degenerates who have actually made it to the end of this sh!tty preview and who we all know are going to be wide awake, fired up, and sloppy drunk by kickoff. The folks who are also wise enough to know that if they join me and others in the Allbuffs chat room, it means they're not drinking alone and don't have a problem.
Buffs 52
Bows 20
Buffs open the season Thursday, September 3rd, at Hawaii on CBSSN (11pm Mountain Time).
I'm so ****ing excited for this that I decided to do in-depth research, analyze the Rainbow roster and coaches, deliver some statistical analysis, lay out some well-reasoned keys to the game, and generally enrich the knowledge of the fans.
Yeah. Right.
Hawaii sucks and the Buffs will crush them.
But before we get to football, let's talk about the best thing that ever came out of Hawaii -- Kiana Tom. Back when ESPN ran fitness shows, there was an amazing program called Kiana's Flex Appeal.
Kiana gave a generation of men the inspiration to get hard.
Kiana was an integral part of the morning ritual.
Thank you, Kiana!
Other than Kiana, when I think of Hawaii, I think of things like that horrible Don Ho "Tiny Bubbles" song, the risk of death by randomly falling coconut, giant centipedes hiding in your shoes, and the Brady family getting cursed by the Tiki idol.
Oh yea. I also think of sh!tty football.
It wasn't always that way. I seem to remember a good season about a decade ago when a CU castoff was behind center.
The hilarious thing, though, is the press that Norm Chow gets as their coach. I need to hire that dude's PR agent. Every ****ing article I could find during my exhaustive research for this preview referred to Chow as "Legendary".
I think they believe it out there in Hawaii. Or maybe it's "down there in Hawaii". The maps I've seen put it somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico. Or part of Baja.
Wherever it is, all I know and all that matters is that it's a long ass flight and the natives speak some sort of Spanish.
But I digress. The important thing here is that Norm Chow = Legendary. With Chow at the helm, the Rainbows are gonna be on top of the football world. I saw the promo, so it must be true.
Sure, he's taken some time to build the right kind of foundation. Hawaii is something like 8-39 (I think I read that and I'm damn sure not fact checking) since he took over. This might just take some time. So in the final analysis, I guess the Chow Era is best summed up as follows:
Have the Bow fans waited long enough? Is this the year that Chow rides a QB transfer from USC all the way to Dary? I really don't know. Frankly, I really don't care. All that matters to me is that they continue to suck for another week.
But there's a part of me that does like the Hawaii fans. They know how to tailgate and they do rally behind Rainbow athletics. Most importantly, they don't **** around. A couple years ago -- and I'm not even making this up -- their Athletic Director tried to break up a fight at a UH women's basketball game of all things. He ended up in the hospital with broken vertebrae and bleeding kidneys. And if that's not hardcore enough, losing money through sh!tty football forced the dude to resign last year.
I'm pretty sure that "Hang loose" is a mistranslation and it really symbolizes a Hawaiian telling you how thoroughly he's gonna rip you a new one.
So, yeah, the game.
In a genius bit of scheduling, it's a night game on a work night that starts after most folks are asleep and is being broadcast on a network most folks either don't get or don't know that they do get. So no one is going to see it except for the types of idot degenerates who have actually made it to the end of this sh!tty preview and who we all know are going to be wide awake, fired up, and sloppy drunk by kickoff. The folks who are also wise enough to know that if they join me and others in the Allbuffs chat room, it means they're not drinking alone and don't have a problem.
Buffs 52
Bows 20
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