Week 7 is upon us and so is the really ****ty preview of the upcoming battle between the glorious Colorado Buffaloes (4-2, 2-1) and the Arizona State Sun Devils (5-1, 2-1). First place in the Pac-12 South is on the line this Saturday at 6:00 pm MT at Folsom Field, broadcast on PACN.
Before we get started, I wanted to apologize for the tardiness of this week's edition. There's a process here. I would think of the game, get excited, and then try to get in the right frame of mind by watching episodes of The Rise. Unfortunately, this led to me needing a lot of breaks as I'd reach ultimate excitement, then quickly lose interest in doing anything except taking a nap. The Rise 3 launching this morning about wore me out.
But I powered through to get this done. There was also a lot of work involved. After doing in-depth roster analysis, sifting though mountains of advanced stats, trends and cutting edge analytics, the ****ty preview has identified the 3 key factors for this week's game:
1. ASU sucks.
2. CU will crush them.
3. THE BUFFS DO NOT LOSE IN COLORADO!!!
Beyond that, though, there had to be more. So many directions to go, but I either went there last year or a ton of other people have done so.
Academic smack about ASU? Hell, it's a national joke that appears even in movies and tv shows. I mean, it's funny, but if I spent this space on nothing but that I'd feel like I was mailing this in. Too easy.
So not that. Or not really. We could also go into some other things like the coach being a completely full of **** cheesedick. We could talk about a tradition of being willing to hire anyone in the pursuit of winning, as evidenced by bringing in Dennis Erickson after he'd almost gotten the death penalty for Miami. We could talk about the overblown way they've turned the memory of Pat Tillman into bull**** martyr-worship and pile onto the numerous articles that have reported that the guy was as much an asshole as he was a hero. We could go with a more popular approach and just post pics of hot ASU women being naughty. (Which, as an aside, was another major delay in writing this week's edition. The amount of amateur porn you find with safe search off and the key words "asu slut" is exhausting.)
But none of those things, on its own, really capture the essence of the place, why ASU sucks, and why CU will crush them this Saturday.
ASU is superficial. ASU is low class. ASU is the lowest common denominator for a college. That's the only place this can go. Well, there and I think I'll change my mind on the "pics of hot ASU women being naughty" thing since it's so important to analyzing this week's game.
When I lived in Vegas, the locals struggled to find places to vacation where they could cut loose and have a moral holiday. If they had the money, they'd go to southeast Asia for the gambling and sex tourism. If they weren't quite so well off but still had some money squirreled away, they'd head to Mexico to take in a donkey show or a spring break hotspot.
But for an inexpensive trip, they'd head to Arizona. Either to Lake Havasu where aspiring porn starlets would party on the water... or to Tempe, where aspiring porn starlets were picking up a few college credits. It was a nice opportunity to talk to the strippers who only came into Vegas for the weekend cash by seeing them in the informal setting of their home town.
I'm no prude and I have no problem with porn. I also have no issue with sluts. Sluts of the female variety have significantly enriched my life experience and I am thankful to them. So, really, this week's really ****ty preview is a bit of a tribute, embracing the culture of that school.
Being America's Stripper University is pretty awesome.
ASU offers valuable courses that prepare their types of students for their future (or current) occupations. Not all universities can say this.
They have built a culture that celebrates what they are to the point where they promote it when doing bios of their athletes.
Young people are at ASU to party. It's about drinking, ****ing and learning how to be great at these things.
Sure, it's the college where 1 in 4 students has an STD, but this is one place where half the coursework is also about learning how to avoid anything that can't be controlled by a round of penicillin. The only thing I'm surprised about in regard to ASU is that more US Senators didn't go there. The future looks bright, though, with Bristol Palin now in the mix.
And when you have a place like this, you want to have a good football team since it's the Saturday night pre-party in the fall. Football players are at ASU to play football and be celebrated the night after the game by a bunch of sluts who are looking to bag their own trophy that day.
Which is fine. Nothing wrong with that. But it also makes them a ****ty road team. What's there to play for when you'll be on an airplane with a bunch of sweaty dudes while the Tempe parties are happening? Where's the motivation when they can't look into the stands and see what's waiting for them if they succeed?
So they ask if we fear the fork and I chuckle. There's only one thing to do with the fork.
CU goes Dirty Sanchez on ASU this Saturday.
Buffs 70
ASU 17
#GoBuffs
Before we get started, I wanted to apologize for the tardiness of this week's edition. There's a process here. I would think of the game, get excited, and then try to get in the right frame of mind by watching episodes of The Rise. Unfortunately, this led to me needing a lot of breaks as I'd reach ultimate excitement, then quickly lose interest in doing anything except taking a nap. The Rise 3 launching this morning about wore me out.
But I powered through to get this done. There was also a lot of work involved. After doing in-depth roster analysis, sifting though mountains of advanced stats, trends and cutting edge analytics, the ****ty preview has identified the 3 key factors for this week's game:
1. ASU sucks.
2. CU will crush them.
3. THE BUFFS DO NOT LOSE IN COLORADO!!!
Beyond that, though, there had to be more. So many directions to go, but I either went there last year or a ton of other people have done so.
Academic smack about ASU? Hell, it's a national joke that appears even in movies and tv shows. I mean, it's funny, but if I spent this space on nothing but that I'd feel like I was mailing this in. Too easy.
So not that. Or not really. We could also go into some other things like the coach being a completely full of **** cheesedick. We could talk about a tradition of being willing to hire anyone in the pursuit of winning, as evidenced by bringing in Dennis Erickson after he'd almost gotten the death penalty for Miami. We could talk about the overblown way they've turned the memory of Pat Tillman into bull**** martyr-worship and pile onto the numerous articles that have reported that the guy was as much an asshole as he was a hero. We could go with a more popular approach and just post pics of hot ASU women being naughty. (Which, as an aside, was another major delay in writing this week's edition. The amount of amateur porn you find with safe search off and the key words "asu slut" is exhausting.)
But none of those things, on its own, really capture the essence of the place, why ASU sucks, and why CU will crush them this Saturday.
ASU is superficial. ASU is low class. ASU is the lowest common denominator for a college. That's the only place this can go. Well, there and I think I'll change my mind on the "pics of hot ASU women being naughty" thing since it's so important to analyzing this week's game.
When I lived in Vegas, the locals struggled to find places to vacation where they could cut loose and have a moral holiday. If they had the money, they'd go to southeast Asia for the gambling and sex tourism. If they weren't quite so well off but still had some money squirreled away, they'd head to Mexico to take in a donkey show or a spring break hotspot.
But for an inexpensive trip, they'd head to Arizona. Either to Lake Havasu where aspiring porn starlets would party on the water... or to Tempe, where aspiring porn starlets were picking up a few college credits. It was a nice opportunity to talk to the strippers who only came into Vegas for the weekend cash by seeing them in the informal setting of their home town.
I'm no prude and I have no problem with porn. I also have no issue with sluts. Sluts of the female variety have significantly enriched my life experience and I am thankful to them. So, really, this week's really ****ty preview is a bit of a tribute, embracing the culture of that school.
Being America's Stripper University is pretty awesome.
ASU offers valuable courses that prepare their types of students for their future (or current) occupations. Not all universities can say this.
They have built a culture that celebrates what they are to the point where they promote it when doing bios of their athletes.
Young people are at ASU to party. It's about drinking, ****ing and learning how to be great at these things.
Sure, it's the college where 1 in 4 students has an STD, but this is one place where half the coursework is also about learning how to avoid anything that can't be controlled by a round of penicillin. The only thing I'm surprised about in regard to ASU is that more US Senators didn't go there. The future looks bright, though, with Bristol Palin now in the mix.
And when you have a place like this, you want to have a good football team since it's the Saturday night pre-party in the fall. Football players are at ASU to play football and be celebrated the night after the game by a bunch of sluts who are looking to bag their own trophy that day.
Which is fine. Nothing wrong with that. But it also makes them a ****ty road team. What's there to play for when you'll be on an airplane with a bunch of sweaty dudes while the Tempe parties are happening? Where's the motivation when they can't look into the stands and see what's waiting for them if they succeed?
So they ask if we fear the fork and I chuckle. There's only one thing to do with the fork.
CU goes Dirty Sanchez on ASU this Saturday.
Buffs 70
ASU 17
#GoBuffs
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