Week 5. The magnificent Colorado Buffaloes are 3-1 and just outside the Top 25. Life is good. Saturday at 12:30, the OSU Beavers visit Folsom Field for Family Weekend on what should be a gorgeous autumn afternoon on the biggest recruiting weekend of the season.
Before we begin this week's really ****ty preview, I thought it would be good to reflect on what last Saturday's victory means to me as a Buffs fan.
Relief and satisfaction that the Buffs finally broke through?
Yes, but that's not quite it. Maybe what I am feeling is excitement for the future?
Sure, but that's not it either. Pride in the way the team took care of business?
I guess. But it's so much more than that. Joy of victory?
Again, there's that. But it's bigger than that.
I think I've got it. Saturday was a reminder of what is best in life and what being a CU Buffaloes football fan is supposed to be like.
Here come the assholes! CU is back and so are its fans!
So let's talk about this team from Corvallis and this week's matchup.
OSU sucks and CU will crush them!
What else is there to say? I've been trying to think of reasons to have a special kind of hate for Oregon Lite. It's hard. In fact, in doing research for this ****ty preview, there was a part of me that kind of liked them.
Exhibit A - Jodi Ann Paterson (Oregon Lite grad by way of Indonesia & Playmate of the Year 2000)
If this is what Larry Scott means when he says that his strategy is to generate more interest in the Asia-Pacific region and attract more talent to Pac-12 campuses, I am totally on board.
Exhibit B - Possibly the 2 greatest football arrests of this century
1. Tyler Thomas
In August of 2010, police received a call about a home invasion. When they arrived, they encountered a drunk - and naked - Tyler Thomas inside the house. Thomas reacted by getting into a 3 point stance and charging the police officers, who had to tase him to bring him down and get him into custody. If that isn't on a Hollywood script writer's desk as he pens the next great football movie, it needs to be. Only negative here is that Mike Riley had to kick him off the team. Probably why he left for Nebraska since they sweep stuff like that under the rug there as long as the player doesn't make a public display of social consciousness.
2. Ben Siegert
In April of 2005, the ultimate football player arrest occurred. Oregon Lite University was conducting research on homosexuality in sheep. DT Siegert decided that this was a great opportunity to become a criminal legend by stealing a ram from the study. Police caught him behind the wheel of his truck, he blew a .14 BAC, and the sheep was found in the back. The only thing that could have made this better would have been if he'd then transferred to CSU.
Exhibit C - you know what? There isn't one. These last couple things got me thinking about the Nubs & Rams. Now I'm pissed off because I've realized that those ****ers up in Corvalis combine the inferiority complex of CSU with Nebraska's low class hypocrisy. It's the one place in the entire ****ing state where the strippers wear panties, for ****'s sake!
**** Oregon Lite!
Does everyone realize how pathetic they are and how long this goes back? They like to talk about being the oldest university with the most going on with land grants and the best academics in the state. But the truth is they all know the score and they wish they were UO.
Their most notable alumnus - I kid you not - was Thomas Autzen. He was every stereotype of an Oregon man of the late 1800s. Pioneer. Made his fortune in the lumber industry. And like every Oregon Lite grad since the beginning, his legacy was that his family parlayed his success and their inheritance into buying their way into the state's high society. Nothing like funding a stadium project in Eugene to make people forget that your family was associated with Oregon Lite.
And then there's the whole Beaver thing. Yeah, yeah. You've heard all the "beaver is slang for a woman's secret garden" jokes. But despite that, it's worth looking into more deeply. Not because it's going to get funny again, but because it's another example of Oregon Lite's inferiority. Down in Eugene, they used subtlety to score big by making their official hand sign the same as what the deaf use to say "vagina".
Funny. Kudos to them. But at Oregon Lite, they decide to tell the same joke but hit you over the damn head with it. "We're the Beavers! Get it? Hahahaha." It's just sad.
Beyond that, they can't even decide what type of "Beaver" they want to be. For most of their existence, they were content with being cute and hairy. Then, for a while, they decided to look crazy and maybe a bit dangerous. Now, sharp fangs, smooth & sleek, and straight out of a Japanese graphic horror novel.
I don't exactly know what they're trying to tell us here, but it's certainly not as welcoming as the southern hospitality we see in South Carolina.
When you do the research (and the really ****ty preview is nothing if not research intensive), the source of this deep-seeded anger is revealed.
The male beaver was hunted to near extinction. Not for the fur. I mean, who the **** wants to wear a beaver coat anyway? Nah. They just had to figure out how to make use of the scraps. What these hunters were after was their balls.
For centuries and continuing to this day, beaver testicles have been used to create an extract that is used as a common food additive. That "natural flavoring" that's in products that sort of taste like vanilla but don't include vanilla on the ingredient list? Beaver testicle secretions. Or, more specifically, a special taint sack secretion. Yum.
In Canada (**** Canada, too), those crazy bitches would make a tea out of dried and ground up beaver balls because they thought it would prevent pregnancy.
Yeah, it's ridiculous and gross. But with every other poor sonovabitch animal that gets its nuts harvested, at least they can take a little pride and solace that they're used as aphrodisiacs. With the lowly beaver, it's quite the opposite.
Which brings us around again to the inferiority complex, false pride and wacky fixations -- as evidenced by the state motto:
So what does this all mean on Saturday?
Buffs dominate and Oregon Lite's players fly home Saturday night wondering why they didn't commit to Eastern Washington while their coaches reminisce about the good times in Wisconsin. Their cheerleaders, I expect, will find a way to stay until Sunday.
Buffs come out of the gates fast again, put Oregon Lite away early, and make it impossible to deny the mighty Buffaloes a spot in the national polls next week.
CU - 55
OSU - 3
Go Buffs!
Before we begin this week's really ****ty preview, I thought it would be good to reflect on what last Saturday's victory means to me as a Buffs fan.
Relief and satisfaction that the Buffs finally broke through?
Yes, but that's not quite it. Maybe what I am feeling is excitement for the future?
Sure, but that's not it either. Pride in the way the team took care of business?
I guess. But it's so much more than that. Joy of victory?
Again, there's that. But it's bigger than that.
I think I've got it. Saturday was a reminder of what is best in life and what being a CU Buffaloes football fan is supposed to be like.
Here come the assholes! CU is back and so are its fans!
So let's talk about this team from Corvallis and this week's matchup.
OSU sucks and CU will crush them!
What else is there to say? I've been trying to think of reasons to have a special kind of hate for Oregon Lite. It's hard. In fact, in doing research for this ****ty preview, there was a part of me that kind of liked them.
Exhibit A - Jodi Ann Paterson (Oregon Lite grad by way of Indonesia & Playmate of the Year 2000)
If this is what Larry Scott means when he says that his strategy is to generate more interest in the Asia-Pacific region and attract more talent to Pac-12 campuses, I am totally on board.
Exhibit B - Possibly the 2 greatest football arrests of this century
1. Tyler Thomas
In August of 2010, police received a call about a home invasion. When they arrived, they encountered a drunk - and naked - Tyler Thomas inside the house. Thomas reacted by getting into a 3 point stance and charging the police officers, who had to tase him to bring him down and get him into custody. If that isn't on a Hollywood script writer's desk as he pens the next great football movie, it needs to be. Only negative here is that Mike Riley had to kick him off the team. Probably why he left for Nebraska since they sweep stuff like that under the rug there as long as the player doesn't make a public display of social consciousness.
2. Ben Siegert
In April of 2005, the ultimate football player arrest occurred. Oregon Lite University was conducting research on homosexuality in sheep. DT Siegert decided that this was a great opportunity to become a criminal legend by stealing a ram from the study. Police caught him behind the wheel of his truck, he blew a .14 BAC, and the sheep was found in the back. The only thing that could have made this better would have been if he'd then transferred to CSU.
Exhibit C - you know what? There isn't one. These last couple things got me thinking about the Nubs & Rams. Now I'm pissed off because I've realized that those ****ers up in Corvalis combine the inferiority complex of CSU with Nebraska's low class hypocrisy. It's the one place in the entire ****ing state where the strippers wear panties, for ****'s sake!
**** Oregon Lite!
Does everyone realize how pathetic they are and how long this goes back? They like to talk about being the oldest university with the most going on with land grants and the best academics in the state. But the truth is they all know the score and they wish they were UO.
Their most notable alumnus - I kid you not - was Thomas Autzen. He was every stereotype of an Oregon man of the late 1800s. Pioneer. Made his fortune in the lumber industry. And like every Oregon Lite grad since the beginning, his legacy was that his family parlayed his success and their inheritance into buying their way into the state's high society. Nothing like funding a stadium project in Eugene to make people forget that your family was associated with Oregon Lite.
And then there's the whole Beaver thing. Yeah, yeah. You've heard all the "beaver is slang for a woman's secret garden" jokes. But despite that, it's worth looking into more deeply. Not because it's going to get funny again, but because it's another example of Oregon Lite's inferiority. Down in Eugene, they used subtlety to score big by making their official hand sign the same as what the deaf use to say "vagina".
Funny. Kudos to them. But at Oregon Lite, they decide to tell the same joke but hit you over the damn head with it. "We're the Beavers! Get it? Hahahaha." It's just sad.
Beyond that, they can't even decide what type of "Beaver" they want to be. For most of their existence, they were content with being cute and hairy. Then, for a while, they decided to look crazy and maybe a bit dangerous. Now, sharp fangs, smooth & sleek, and straight out of a Japanese graphic horror novel.
I don't exactly know what they're trying to tell us here, but it's certainly not as welcoming as the southern hospitality we see in South Carolina.
When you do the research (and the really ****ty preview is nothing if not research intensive), the source of this deep-seeded anger is revealed.
The male beaver was hunted to near extinction. Not for the fur. I mean, who the **** wants to wear a beaver coat anyway? Nah. They just had to figure out how to make use of the scraps. What these hunters were after was their balls.
For centuries and continuing to this day, beaver testicles have been used to create an extract that is used as a common food additive. That "natural flavoring" that's in products that sort of taste like vanilla but don't include vanilla on the ingredient list? Beaver testicle secretions. Or, more specifically, a special taint sack secretion. Yum.
In Canada (**** Canada, too), those crazy bitches would make a tea out of dried and ground up beaver balls because they thought it would prevent pregnancy.
Yeah, it's ridiculous and gross. But with every other poor sonovabitch animal that gets its nuts harvested, at least they can take a little pride and solace that they're used as aphrodisiacs. With the lowly beaver, it's quite the opposite.
Which brings us around again to the inferiority complex, false pride and wacky fixations -- as evidenced by the state motto:
So what does this all mean on Saturday?
Buffs dominate and Oregon Lite's players fly home Saturday night wondering why they didn't commit to Eastern Washington while their coaches reminisce about the good times in Wisconsin. Their cheerleaders, I expect, will find a way to stay until Sunday.
Buffs come out of the gates fast again, put Oregon Lite away early, and make it impossible to deny the mighty Buffaloes a spot in the national polls next week.
CU - 55
OSU - 3
Go Buffs!
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