It's that time of year again, folks. After months of desperately trying to fill the empty void in our lives with vacations, weekend festivals, farmer's markets, internet porn, home improvement projects and other time sucking ventures of fleeting satisfaction -- CU football is finally back!
I feel whole again.
This Friday, August 31st, at 7:30pm our glorious Buffaloes will once again take the field to kick off the season by sacrificing some lambs to the football gods and blessing another CU Football campaign.
The really ****ty preview is also making its return after a 2017 sabbatical. Why the year off? Because, **** you, I was feeling lazy. And it's not like anyone pays me for this crap.
So here we are. In the lead up to writing this, I actually considered doing some in-depth research, dropping some advanced stats on you, analyzing the rosters, talking some x's and o's, and all that stuff. Maybe set a new bar of excellence for the ****ty preview or something, you know?
Rejecting that because it sounded like work, I thought that it would be cool to get the CSU fan perspective for the ****ty preview.
Unfortunately, after their game on Saturday I couldn’t find one.
But I was committed to new, higher standards, and would not be denied. So I tried to track down Camaro Jones, CSU Superfan, who some of you might remember from a couple years ago in the 2016 ****ty preview.
Alas, he wasn’t at his last known address
and the new tenants didn’t know where to fnd him. Wasn't a total waste, though. Bradlee Van Pelt did offer me a handjob behind the building, which I thought was a nice gesture.
But I was on a mission and was not to be deterred. I decided to try to make the most of a drive to Fort Collins. So I went over to check out this CSU stadium I’ve been hearing so much about.
After flagging down a security guard and telling him I was a location scout for Lady Gaga, he excitedly gave me a facility map along with his key ring. I was in.
The first thing I wanted to check out was the home locker room. So I fumbled around until I found the right key, quietly opened the door, and took a step inside to see a statue dominating the foyer.
As expected, they utilize works of art to celebrate the goat just like CU does the buffalo.
Now, I'm no art critic but I know what I like. And what I like is to not to be running to my car in horror and then spending every night since then waking to nightmares of bleating lambs. I think I need to find a psychiatrist who gets me.
So much for hands-on CSU research.
But I refused to quit!
Delving deep into my sources, I was able to find some scoop on CSU you won't find anywhere else.
Did you know that CSU Coach Bobo isn't getting around well these days?
OK, you probably did. But I bet you didn't know that he's planning to rally his team with an inspirational entry into the stadium in his new Bobo Wagon.
And speaking of sheep, did you know that the new CSU QB is finally adjusting to life in Fort Collins?
It was rough when he first got there. He was far from home and he was lonely. He didn't fit in. But after some dental work...
... he fully assimilated and started scoring big with his new profile on CSU's #1 dating site.
And while this scoop did make me feel like I'd significantly raised the ****ty preview standard of excellence, I didn't want to just focus on CSU. The important thing here is our Buffs. I needed to go to work
Since last season ended, all I've heard about is how hard they're working and training. I could have done like everyone else and regurgitated some interviews, tweets and practice reports. But, no, I wanted to take it to a whole other level by getting some exclusive video of CU players putting in the work.
I got a lead that some of the guys were doing some extra work at a CrossFit gym in Boulder. So, in a totally non-creepy way, I snuck over to the building and snagged some footage.
I'm not sure if any of the players ever showed up, since after only a few minutes I lost interest and left for a sandwich and a nap. And with that, by the time I'd woken up I'd run out of time if I wanted to get this damn thing written.
So after a finger or seven of Jameson Stout Edition, this is what you get.
In conclusion, CSU sucks and we will crush them.
Prediction:
By late Friday night, the impossible will happen: it will suck even worse to be a CSU Ram.
RMS all-time record sits at 65-22-2 for our Buffs. This year we get it up to an even 75% of the wins and do it with an exclamation point.
CU - 52
CSU - 3
P.S. For those of you offended by that goat statue, you should see the ones I decided not to use for this.
I feel whole again.
This Friday, August 31st, at 7:30pm our glorious Buffaloes will once again take the field to kick off the season by sacrificing some lambs to the football gods and blessing another CU Football campaign.
The really ****ty preview is also making its return after a 2017 sabbatical. Why the year off? Because, **** you, I was feeling lazy. And it's not like anyone pays me for this crap.
So here we are. In the lead up to writing this, I actually considered doing some in-depth research, dropping some advanced stats on you, analyzing the rosters, talking some x's and o's, and all that stuff. Maybe set a new bar of excellence for the ****ty preview or something, you know?
Rejecting that because it sounded like work, I thought that it would be cool to get the CSU fan perspective for the ****ty preview.
Unfortunately, after their game on Saturday I couldn’t find one.
But I was committed to new, higher standards, and would not be denied. So I tried to track down Camaro Jones, CSU Superfan, who some of you might remember from a couple years ago in the 2016 ****ty preview.
Alas, he wasn’t at his last known address
and the new tenants didn’t know where to fnd him. Wasn't a total waste, though. Bradlee Van Pelt did offer me a handjob behind the building, which I thought was a nice gesture.
But I was on a mission and was not to be deterred. I decided to try to make the most of a drive to Fort Collins. So I went over to check out this CSU stadium I’ve been hearing so much about.
After flagging down a security guard and telling him I was a location scout for Lady Gaga, he excitedly gave me a facility map along with his key ring. I was in.
The first thing I wanted to check out was the home locker room. So I fumbled around until I found the right key, quietly opened the door, and took a step inside to see a statue dominating the foyer.
As expected, they utilize works of art to celebrate the goat just like CU does the buffalo.
Now, I'm no art critic but I know what I like. And what I like is to not to be running to my car in horror and then spending every night since then waking to nightmares of bleating lambs. I think I need to find a psychiatrist who gets me.
So much for hands-on CSU research.
But I refused to quit!
Delving deep into my sources, I was able to find some scoop on CSU you won't find anywhere else.
Did you know that CSU Coach Bobo isn't getting around well these days?
OK, you probably did. But I bet you didn't know that he's planning to rally his team with an inspirational entry into the stadium in his new Bobo Wagon.
And speaking of sheep, did you know that the new CSU QB is finally adjusting to life in Fort Collins?
It was rough when he first got there. He was far from home and he was lonely. He didn't fit in. But after some dental work...
... he fully assimilated and started scoring big with his new profile on CSU's #1 dating site.
And while this scoop did make me feel like I'd significantly raised the ****ty preview standard of excellence, I didn't want to just focus on CSU. The important thing here is our Buffs. I needed to go to work
Since last season ended, all I've heard about is how hard they're working and training. I could have done like everyone else and regurgitated some interviews, tweets and practice reports. But, no, I wanted to take it to a whole other level by getting some exclusive video of CU players putting in the work.
I got a lead that some of the guys were doing some extra work at a CrossFit gym in Boulder. So, in a totally non-creepy way, I snuck over to the building and snagged some footage.
I'm not sure if any of the players ever showed up, since after only a few minutes I lost interest and left for a sandwich and a nap. And with that, by the time I'd woken up I'd run out of time if I wanted to get this damn thing written.
So after a finger or seven of Jameson Stout Edition, this is what you get.
In conclusion, CSU sucks and we will crush them.
Prediction:
By late Friday night, the impossible will happen: it will suck even worse to be a CSU Ram.
RMS all-time record sits at 65-22-2 for our Buffs. This year we get it up to an even 75% of the wins and do it with an exclamation point.
CU - 52
CSU - 3
P.S. For those of you offended by that goat statue, you should see the ones I decided not to use for this.
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