Our mighty Buffaloes return to action on Saturday after dismantling CSU in the annual warmup game last Friday, 45-13. Lots of guys got to play, no major injuries were suffered, and Rams fans went into hibernation until August of 2019. So pretty much went to script. The only negative from the opener was that CU was so dominant and CSU so inept that we didn't get to practice any 3rd down plays on offense.
Oh well. Work hard these next 11 months, Little Brother, because we'd like to see our team break a sweat and get some decent prep work in for the season next year.
But enough of that. Just like Broncos fans aren't talking about the preseason with a real game coming up this week, it's past time for Buffs fans to focus on what matters.
This week's really ****ty preview turns its eyes to the Huskers. With that, I realized that since we haven't played in 8 years that a lot of our younger fans don't have a full appreciation of the rivalry and the hate. They may have vague memories of being grounded for wearing red as a small child. Maybe they have some fond memories of going out with their grandmother to key doors and slash tires of cars that had Husker stickers on them. Some might wax nostalgic about doing craft projects at home by filing balloons with piss and stuffing marshmallows with nails, then learning to throw by chucking them at people wearing Husker gear. And the lucky ones may even have memories of learning the basics of hockey by hip checking Nub grannies down flights of stairs.
It was a happier, simpler time.
But they don't know. So for those who don't remember, whose memories are a little faded, or for those of us who were too drunk to clearly recall those halcyon days, I figured a really ****ty history lesson on the Huskers would be in order.
And since I want to dispel a hurtful insult so many Nub fans level against Buff fans that we aren't classy, I am going to take the ****ty preview up a notch this week.
Normally, this is for the beer crowd...
... but this week we need to show we can class it up and be a champagne crowd.
Classy. That's what the ****ty preview is all about this week.
On to the history lesson.
In the old days back in the 1800s, they called themselves the Bugeaters in honor of the time honored Nebraska tradition that led to them proudly having the first documented cases of facial herpes in America.
Starting at the turn of the 20th century, they changed their names to the Cornhuskers. I wasn't really sure what a "cornhusker" is, so I consulted an online dictionary.
I suppose that's a nice thing to be known for. But what do they mean when they shorten it and call themselves "huskers"?
Now we can all use proper nomenclature. Traditionally, all Nub fans are called "cornhuskers", but only the women are called "huskers". But in these modern times where the gender identity lines are often blurred, you will also notice a lot of seemingly male Nub fans refer to themselves or the players on the football team as "huskers". Not that there's anything wrong with that.
The early days of the Colorado-Nebraska rivalry until the early 1960s was dead even. Then, in 1963, a groundbreaking advance in livestock technology occurred -- the invention of Trenbolone, the first livestock steroid. The University of Nebraska, being on the cutting edge of stuff relating to beef production, was one of the first institutions to notice the dramatic effects this drug had on quickly growing beef and was able to apply it to its beloved football team.
So for the next 25 years, despite (maybe because of) being a university located in the middle of an endless cornfield, Nebraska dominated the rivalry and established itself as one of the country's top football programs.
In the later stages of that run in 1978, Coach Tom Osborne saw the writing on the wall with the inevitability of NCAA rule changes and other programs catching up, then capitalizing on Nebraska's inherent disadvantages. So he almost left to become the CU football coach at that time. But the appeal of civilization wasn't enough to overcome his loyalty back then so he stayed. Fortunately for him, Colorado made a horrible hire in Chuck Fairbanks who directly destroyed the CU program over the next 3 years and dug such a deep hole of suck that his replacement, the legendary Bill McCartney, wasn't able to pull the Buffs out of it until his 4th season by finally getting CU back to a bowl game in 1985. And then beating Nebraska in 1986.
During that period, Osborne had reached the top of college football by taking the #1 team in the nation into the 1984 Orange Bowl. The Nubs lost that day, but Osborne was an honorable man back then -- they lost because he went for 2 instead of tying at the end of the game, not wanting to be named national champions (as they would have been) based on a tie. This made Nebraska a program worthy of CU's and McCartney's respect and they became the program our Buffs targeted as the main rival that we had to get over.
After breaking through with that 1986 win, the Buffs went 3-2-1 in the series from 1986-1991. During that time, CU played in 2 national championship games and won 1 of them.
It broke Tom Osborne.
This once honorable man, who wanted to be a Buff and refused to play for a tie, had a complete breakdown and sold his soul during this period. In 1991, following the 1990 season, he couldn't live with the thought that CU would win a national championship before he did so he voted Georgia Tech #1 in his coaches poll ballot while placing CU low enough to allow GA Tech to edge the Buffs out and cause a split national championship.
Beyond the pettiness, though, Osborne realized that agg science would never be enough on its own to match up with the best. So he went against everything he and his school had previously stood for by focusing their recruiting on getting the Lawrence Phillips types to Lincoln. The pitch was that Nebraska was a safe place, away from the gangs and violence plaguing so many US cities at the time, and that it was also a safe place because the state was so obsessed with its team that Osborne could get away with hiding evidence from the police in order to protect his players.
It worked like a charm and the Nubs had one of the most dominant runs in college football history from that point until CU broke their program for good in 2001.
Since that time, Nebraska has tried to re-invent itself as a West Coast Offense under Bill Callahan. Then they tried some old school anger management and cat fetish hoodoo under Bo Pelini.
In the midst of all that, they got so tired of being a total bitch to UT and the Longhorns that they left their rivalry with Oklahoma and other former Big 8 schools along with their connections to Texas for recruiting in order to join the Big Ten. Fortunately for Nebraska, the B1G lowered its academic standards so they could enter and proudly represent the conference as the only non-AAU member. But, hey, Iowa needed a Thanksgiving rivalry they could beat up on.
Next, Nebraska tried to rebrand themselves as "Calibraska", thinking that California football recruits could maybe be convinced that Lincoln was cool and sort of like California. Then the CA players who signed realized what parts of their home state it compares to. Most left.
Now they just spent a ton of money to fire another coach and hire someone who is supposed to make them able to recruit in Florida since California didn't work. It's sad, really.
But you know what's really the most pathetic thing in all of this? This Nub football team is all the people in that state have. Well, other than corn and cornfed beef. If you live in Nebraska and you're not in the meth industry, you work in corn - which means living off government subsidies that keep that market afloat. ****ing corn.
And they delude themselves into thinking that there's a bright future for Husker football just as they pretend that corn is the future.
So the Nub fan keeps believing, keeps hoping, and keeps spending all his money on Nub football like it was a prosperity church preacher asking for a new private jet on a Sunday morning. And much like how the early church wowed the rubes with their fancy stained glass windows and shiny chalices to pack their services, the folks of Nebraska fill the stadium every week, every season, to experience the wonders of indoor plumbing.
In the final analysis, despite their mistreatment of opposing fans, the disgusting way they go after their players, coaches and recruits online, and even issue death threats to their coaches while harassing their players around town... they still go on believing themselves to be the "greatest fans in the world". Because it's all they've got.
**** 'em.
Prediction:
Nebraska sucks and we will crush them.
Final Score: CU 50, Nubs 0
Why 50? Because after the 7th touchdown, Hagan will distract MacIntyre on the sideline long enough for Chiaverini to sneak in a 2 point conversion that rubs their dicks in the dirt.
Go Buffs!
Oh well. Work hard these next 11 months, Little Brother, because we'd like to see our team break a sweat and get some decent prep work in for the season next year.
But enough of that. Just like Broncos fans aren't talking about the preseason with a real game coming up this week, it's past time for Buffs fans to focus on what matters.
This week's really ****ty preview turns its eyes to the Huskers. With that, I realized that since we haven't played in 8 years that a lot of our younger fans don't have a full appreciation of the rivalry and the hate. They may have vague memories of being grounded for wearing red as a small child. Maybe they have some fond memories of going out with their grandmother to key doors and slash tires of cars that had Husker stickers on them. Some might wax nostalgic about doing craft projects at home by filing balloons with piss and stuffing marshmallows with nails, then learning to throw by chucking them at people wearing Husker gear. And the lucky ones may even have memories of learning the basics of hockey by hip checking Nub grannies down flights of stairs.
It was a happier, simpler time.
But they don't know. So for those who don't remember, whose memories are a little faded, or for those of us who were too drunk to clearly recall those halcyon days, I figured a really ****ty history lesson on the Huskers would be in order.
And since I want to dispel a hurtful insult so many Nub fans level against Buff fans that we aren't classy, I am going to take the ****ty preview up a notch this week.
Normally, this is for the beer crowd...
... but this week we need to show we can class it up and be a champagne crowd.
Classy. That's what the ****ty preview is all about this week.
On to the history lesson.
In the old days back in the 1800s, they called themselves the Bugeaters in honor of the time honored Nebraska tradition that led to them proudly having the first documented cases of facial herpes in America.
Starting at the turn of the 20th century, they changed their names to the Cornhuskers. I wasn't really sure what a "cornhusker" is, so I consulted an online dictionary.
I suppose that's a nice thing to be known for. But what do they mean when they shorten it and call themselves "huskers"?
Now we can all use proper nomenclature. Traditionally, all Nub fans are called "cornhuskers", but only the women are called "huskers". But in these modern times where the gender identity lines are often blurred, you will also notice a lot of seemingly male Nub fans refer to themselves or the players on the football team as "huskers". Not that there's anything wrong with that.
The early days of the Colorado-Nebraska rivalry until the early 1960s was dead even. Then, in 1963, a groundbreaking advance in livestock technology occurred -- the invention of Trenbolone, the first livestock steroid. The University of Nebraska, being on the cutting edge of stuff relating to beef production, was one of the first institutions to notice the dramatic effects this drug had on quickly growing beef and was able to apply it to its beloved football team.
So for the next 25 years, despite (maybe because of) being a university located in the middle of an endless cornfield, Nebraska dominated the rivalry and established itself as one of the country's top football programs.
In the later stages of that run in 1978, Coach Tom Osborne saw the writing on the wall with the inevitability of NCAA rule changes and other programs catching up, then capitalizing on Nebraska's inherent disadvantages. So he almost left to become the CU football coach at that time. But the appeal of civilization wasn't enough to overcome his loyalty back then so he stayed. Fortunately for him, Colorado made a horrible hire in Chuck Fairbanks who directly destroyed the CU program over the next 3 years and dug such a deep hole of suck that his replacement, the legendary Bill McCartney, wasn't able to pull the Buffs out of it until his 4th season by finally getting CU back to a bowl game in 1985. And then beating Nebraska in 1986.
During that period, Osborne had reached the top of college football by taking the #1 team in the nation into the 1984 Orange Bowl. The Nubs lost that day, but Osborne was an honorable man back then -- they lost because he went for 2 instead of tying at the end of the game, not wanting to be named national champions (as they would have been) based on a tie. This made Nebraska a program worthy of CU's and McCartney's respect and they became the program our Buffs targeted as the main rival that we had to get over.
After breaking through with that 1986 win, the Buffs went 3-2-1 in the series from 1986-1991. During that time, CU played in 2 national championship games and won 1 of them.
It broke Tom Osborne.
This once honorable man, who wanted to be a Buff and refused to play for a tie, had a complete breakdown and sold his soul during this period. In 1991, following the 1990 season, he couldn't live with the thought that CU would win a national championship before he did so he voted Georgia Tech #1 in his coaches poll ballot while placing CU low enough to allow GA Tech to edge the Buffs out and cause a split national championship.
Beyond the pettiness, though, Osborne realized that agg science would never be enough on its own to match up with the best. So he went against everything he and his school had previously stood for by focusing their recruiting on getting the Lawrence Phillips types to Lincoln. The pitch was that Nebraska was a safe place, away from the gangs and violence plaguing so many US cities at the time, and that it was also a safe place because the state was so obsessed with its team that Osborne could get away with hiding evidence from the police in order to protect his players.
It worked like a charm and the Nubs had one of the most dominant runs in college football history from that point until CU broke their program for good in 2001.
Since that time, Nebraska has tried to re-invent itself as a West Coast Offense under Bill Callahan. Then they tried some old school anger management and cat fetish hoodoo under Bo Pelini.
In the midst of all that, they got so tired of being a total bitch to UT and the Longhorns that they left their rivalry with Oklahoma and other former Big 8 schools along with their connections to Texas for recruiting in order to join the Big Ten. Fortunately for Nebraska, the B1G lowered its academic standards so they could enter and proudly represent the conference as the only non-AAU member. But, hey, Iowa needed a Thanksgiving rivalry they could beat up on.
Next, Nebraska tried to rebrand themselves as "Calibraska", thinking that California football recruits could maybe be convinced that Lincoln was cool and sort of like California. Then the CA players who signed realized what parts of their home state it compares to. Most left.
Now they just spent a ton of money to fire another coach and hire someone who is supposed to make them able to recruit in Florida since California didn't work. It's sad, really.
But you know what's really the most pathetic thing in all of this? This Nub football team is all the people in that state have. Well, other than corn and cornfed beef. If you live in Nebraska and you're not in the meth industry, you work in corn - which means living off government subsidies that keep that market afloat. ****ing corn.
And they delude themselves into thinking that there's a bright future for Husker football just as they pretend that corn is the future.
So the Nub fan keeps believing, keeps hoping, and keeps spending all his money on Nub football like it was a prosperity church preacher asking for a new private jet on a Sunday morning. And much like how the early church wowed the rubes with their fancy stained glass windows and shiny chalices to pack their services, the folks of Nebraska fill the stadium every week, every season, to experience the wonders of indoor plumbing.
In the final analysis, despite their mistreatment of opposing fans, the disgusting way they go after their players, coaches and recruits online, and even issue death threats to their coaches while harassing their players around town... they still go on believing themselves to be the "greatest fans in the world". Because it's all they've got.
**** 'em.
Prediction:
Nebraska sucks and we will crush them.
Final Score: CU 50, Nubs 0
Why 50? Because after the 7th touchdown, Hagan will distract MacIntyre on the sideline long enough for Chiaverini to sneak in a 2 point conversion that rubs their dicks in the dirt.
Go Buffs!
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