Ladies and gentlemen, 'Nik was going to do a ****** preview of the Puerto Rico tipoff, but unfortunately he went into cardiac arrest following the CU-Arizona football game in which one of his game predictions actually came correct. So now you're stuck with me. I realize that's like going from Jessica Alba to Roseanne Barr, but deal with it. Think of me as your ****** preview moped, and just pray your friends don't catch you.
Alabama
PR Tipoff Bio: In only two seasons, Anthony Grant has made the Crimson Tide big time players in the SEC, reaching the Semifinals of the SEC Tournament, and then reaching the final game of the NIT. Provided Grant can keep explosive All-SEC First-Team forward JaMychal Green in Tuscaloosa for his senior season, the Tide would return its top three scorers and top two rebounders, as junior Tony Mitchell, an All-SEC Second-Teamer, and sophomore Trevor Releford, who was SEC All-Freshman should be back. Redshirt junior guard Andrew Steele (the younger brother of former Tide point Ronald) returns to form, 'Bama is poised to get on a roll. Keep an eye on senior Kendall Durant (cousin of NBA superstar Kevin Durant), who was initially recruited by Grant when he coached at VCU.
What You Should Know: If Marcus Relphorde doesn’t ****ing make the most asinine foul I have ever seen in my life and Alec Burks makes a ****ing jumper that he nails 99 times out of 100 we beat these no-talent ass clowns and go on to kick Wichita State’s ass in the NIT finals last year. But no. **** **** ****ity ****. GOD ****ING DAMMIT! **** YOU ALABAMA! YOU DESERVE TO LIVE IN A STATE WITH NO INDOOR PLUMBING!
Colorado
PR Tipoff Bio: Second-year coach Tad Boyle, who built the Northern Colorado program into Big Sky champions, continues to resurrect the Buffaloes, who finished at .500 in the Big 12 last season, then got to the semifinals of the Big 12 Tournament, and reached the semifinals of the NIT (losing to Alabama). Boyle will have plenty of talent with which to work, including junior guard Alec Burks, an All-Big 12 First-Teamer and the Big 12’s leading scorer last season (20.5 ppg) and sophomore guard Andre Roberson, the conference’s third-leading rebounder (7.8 rpg) and 10[SUP]th[/SUP]-leading shot-blocker.
What You Should Know: Just give us the damn trophy now. Save time.
Iona
PR Tipoff Bio: Iona reached the final game of the CollegeInsider.com Tournament last season. This year they’ll rely on a pair of All-MAAC First-Teamers in forward Michael Glover, who was the conference’s top shooter (61.0 percent) and was second in scoring (18.4 ppg) and rebounding (10.1 rpg), and point guard Scott Machado, who was eighth in scoring (13.2 ppg). Hot-shooting junior Kyle Smyth, who hit 2.3 three-pointers per game (fifth in the MAAC), also returns to give the Gaels their top three scorers from last season’s team, which led the MAAC in scoring (79.0 ppg), shooting (47.6 percent), three-point field goals (8.1 per game) and assists (17.4 apg, 2.4 more than the nearest conference rival).
What You Should Know: They’re the Iona Gaels. What the **** is an Iona? And what the **** is a Gael?!? I don’t even know what to do with this.
Maryland
PR Tipoff Bio: The post-Gary Williams era has begun and the Terrapins come to San Juan eager to build on last season, when they won 19 games for the 15[SUP]th[/SUP] straight season. The Terps hope to return 6-10, 260-pound junior forward Jordan Williams, the ACC’s leading rebounder (11.8 rpg), fifth-leading scorer (16.9) and second-leading shooter (53.8), who in 2009-10, became only the third freshman in school history to score 250 points while grabbing 250 rebounds (the others were Joe Smith and Buck Williams). Williams will get inside help from sophomore guard Terrell Stoglin, an ACC All-Freshman Team selection and the team’s second-leading scorer (11.4 ppg) and leading returning three-point shooter (35.9 percent). Sophomore guard Pe’Shon Howard is a solid point, who also can hit the three (35.9 percent).
What You Should Know: I’m torn on this one. I mean, anyone who unleashed the jerseys that they wear in football upon the world should be scorned and hated with the fire of a thousand suns. But, on the other hand, they also gave us this…
Purdue
PR Tipoff Bio: Perennial Big 10 power and NCAA Tournament regular Purdue will try to set an early-season tone following a 2010-11 season in which the Boilermakers were regular season conference runner-up. Coach Matt Painter looks to his backcourt of senior Lewis Jackson, an Honorable Mention All-Big Ten Selection and the team’s leading returning scorer (8.0 ppg), rebounder (3.2 rpg) and assist man (3.97 apg) and senior Ryne Smith, a 41.4 percent three-point shooter, fifth in the conference. Junior D.J. Byrd adds long-distance shooting. Purdue hopes to have a healthy redshirt senior Robbie Hummel. The hard-luck Hummel was a two-time All-American, who keyed the school's Big Ten championship in 2010 and the Conference Tournament Championship in 2009 before missing all of last season after re-tearing his right ACL.
What You Should Know: There is not one attractive woman on the University of Purdue's campus. Not one. I realize they're an engineering school, and I realize that it's in Indiana, but how the hell is that even possible? I went out there to visit my best friend and her husband for four days and we actually had to invent a phrase called "Indiana Cute" to give us a break from the constant disappointment. If I ever go back to that ****hole, it’ll be too soon. My girlfriend actually told me that if I ever cheated on her, my punishment was that we were going to move to West Lafayette.
Temple
PR Tipoff Bio: The Owls return to San Juan for the first time since 2007, when they managed only a 1-2 mark in the Puerto Rico Tip-Off. Fran Dunphy's club returns several key seniors including guard Ramone Moore, a Second-Team All-A-10 selection, point guard Juan Fernandez, an All-A-10 Third-Teamer and forward Scootie Randall, Honorable Mention, three of the team’s top four scorers last season. Khalif Wyatt, the team’s fifth-leading scorer and top three-point threat also returns.
What You Should Know: I refuse to take a team seriously when their best player is named Scootie. Seriously, there are probably other things to make fun of here, but I just can’t get over that. His name is Scootie. SCOOTIE.
Western Michigan
PR Tipoff Bio: The Broncos are going to be tough to buck as they return their entire starting five from the unit that won the Western Division of the Mid-American Conference. Leading Western are senior guard Demetrius Ward, a second-team All-Mid-American performer, and the conference’s seventh-best three-point shooter (39.6 percent), senior forward Flenard Whitfield, an all-conference honorable mention, and sophomore forward Juwan Howard, Jr., a member of the conference All-Freshman Team and the son of former Michigan Fab Fiver Juwan Howard. Sophomore center Matt Stainbrook, ninth in the conference in rebounding (6.4 rpg) and third in field goal percentage (52.4 percent), is a force inside, while junior point Mike Douglas led the MAC in assist-to-turnover ratio (2.27), was third in assists (4.94 apg) and sixth in steals (1.62 apg).
What You Should Know: Everything you read about Western Michigan is that they’re the dominant team in the Western Division of the MAC. Do you know what that means? They’re the Big XII North winner. Congratulations guys, you still suck, but you suck less than the other teams in the division. Also, their head coach is a Hawkins. This WILL NOT end well. You have been warned.
Wichita State
PR Tipoff Bio: Wichita State is a shocker in nickname only. The Missouri Valley Conference powerhouse will be a force to be reckoned with again in ’11-12. Senior guard Toure´ Murry, the MVC’s fifth-leading assist man at 3.4 apg last season, and senior David Kyles, fifth in three-point shooting (2.0 3’s per game) are back to lead the offense. They were second and third on the MVC’s top scoring team last season. Defensively, 7-0 senior center Garrett Stutz continues to blossom as an inside presence. He was among the conference’s top shot-blockers last season.
What You Should Know: They’re the Shockers. Seriously. That’s their name. I don’t know whether to mock them for that, or love them for it. Damn you Wichita State for messing with my equilibrium. On the plus side, they do hate Nebraskans, so I guess we’ll let their posters hang out on our board for a while longer.
So how will the tournament play out?
Temple beats Iona because, well, I just don’t care and that seems like the right thing to say. Purdue beats Western Michigan because you never trust a team with a coach named Hawkins. Maryland beats Bama because you fear the turtle and Colorado rolls Wichita State because that’s just how we do things.
In the second round, Colorado beats the ever loving **** out of Maryland to advance to the championship game where they play Purdue who beats Temple. Why? Because I want Colorado to beat the hell out of Purdue to make up for the four days I had to spend in that ****hole. Wichita State smacks Alabama around (deja vu for our redneck friends) and Iona beats Western Michigan (once again, can’t trust a Hawkins).
Alabama beats Western Michigan to finish 7[SUP]th[/SUP] in the tourney. Wichita State beats Iona because I still don’t know what the **** a Gael is to finish 5[SUP]th[/SUP]. In third place we let Maryland beat Temple (FEAR THE TURTLE DAMMIT!) and Colorado gets revenge for me by stomping a mudhole in Purdue in the championship game. Normally we would demand your women after a victory like that, but in this case you guys can keep them. Really, we’re good.
Congratulations, I just saved you all the effort of watching the tournament.
Alabama
PR Tipoff Bio: In only two seasons, Anthony Grant has made the Crimson Tide big time players in the SEC, reaching the Semifinals of the SEC Tournament, and then reaching the final game of the NIT. Provided Grant can keep explosive All-SEC First-Team forward JaMychal Green in Tuscaloosa for his senior season, the Tide would return its top three scorers and top two rebounders, as junior Tony Mitchell, an All-SEC Second-Teamer, and sophomore Trevor Releford, who was SEC All-Freshman should be back. Redshirt junior guard Andrew Steele (the younger brother of former Tide point Ronald) returns to form, 'Bama is poised to get on a roll. Keep an eye on senior Kendall Durant (cousin of NBA superstar Kevin Durant), who was initially recruited by Grant when he coached at VCU.
What You Should Know: If Marcus Relphorde doesn’t ****ing make the most asinine foul I have ever seen in my life and Alec Burks makes a ****ing jumper that he nails 99 times out of 100 we beat these no-talent ass clowns and go on to kick Wichita State’s ass in the NIT finals last year. But no. **** **** ****ity ****. GOD ****ING DAMMIT! **** YOU ALABAMA! YOU DESERVE TO LIVE IN A STATE WITH NO INDOOR PLUMBING!
Colorado
PR Tipoff Bio: Second-year coach Tad Boyle, who built the Northern Colorado program into Big Sky champions, continues to resurrect the Buffaloes, who finished at .500 in the Big 12 last season, then got to the semifinals of the Big 12 Tournament, and reached the semifinals of the NIT (losing to Alabama). Boyle will have plenty of talent with which to work, including junior guard Alec Burks, an All-Big 12 First-Teamer and the Big 12’s leading scorer last season (20.5 ppg) and sophomore guard Andre Roberson, the conference’s third-leading rebounder (7.8 rpg) and 10[SUP]th[/SUP]-leading shot-blocker.
What You Should Know: Just give us the damn trophy now. Save time.
Iona
PR Tipoff Bio: Iona reached the final game of the CollegeInsider.com Tournament last season. This year they’ll rely on a pair of All-MAAC First-Teamers in forward Michael Glover, who was the conference’s top shooter (61.0 percent) and was second in scoring (18.4 ppg) and rebounding (10.1 rpg), and point guard Scott Machado, who was eighth in scoring (13.2 ppg). Hot-shooting junior Kyle Smyth, who hit 2.3 three-pointers per game (fifth in the MAAC), also returns to give the Gaels their top three scorers from last season’s team, which led the MAAC in scoring (79.0 ppg), shooting (47.6 percent), three-point field goals (8.1 per game) and assists (17.4 apg, 2.4 more than the nearest conference rival).
What You Should Know: They’re the Iona Gaels. What the **** is an Iona? And what the **** is a Gael?!? I don’t even know what to do with this.
Maryland
PR Tipoff Bio: The post-Gary Williams era has begun and the Terrapins come to San Juan eager to build on last season, when they won 19 games for the 15[SUP]th[/SUP] straight season. The Terps hope to return 6-10, 260-pound junior forward Jordan Williams, the ACC’s leading rebounder (11.8 rpg), fifth-leading scorer (16.9) and second-leading shooter (53.8), who in 2009-10, became only the third freshman in school history to score 250 points while grabbing 250 rebounds (the others were Joe Smith and Buck Williams). Williams will get inside help from sophomore guard Terrell Stoglin, an ACC All-Freshman Team selection and the team’s second-leading scorer (11.4 ppg) and leading returning three-point shooter (35.9 percent). Sophomore guard Pe’Shon Howard is a solid point, who also can hit the three (35.9 percent).
What You Should Know: I’m torn on this one. I mean, anyone who unleashed the jerseys that they wear in football upon the world should be scorned and hated with the fire of a thousand suns. But, on the other hand, they also gave us this…
Purdue
PR Tipoff Bio: Perennial Big 10 power and NCAA Tournament regular Purdue will try to set an early-season tone following a 2010-11 season in which the Boilermakers were regular season conference runner-up. Coach Matt Painter looks to his backcourt of senior Lewis Jackson, an Honorable Mention All-Big Ten Selection and the team’s leading returning scorer (8.0 ppg), rebounder (3.2 rpg) and assist man (3.97 apg) and senior Ryne Smith, a 41.4 percent three-point shooter, fifth in the conference. Junior D.J. Byrd adds long-distance shooting. Purdue hopes to have a healthy redshirt senior Robbie Hummel. The hard-luck Hummel was a two-time All-American, who keyed the school's Big Ten championship in 2010 and the Conference Tournament Championship in 2009 before missing all of last season after re-tearing his right ACL.
What You Should Know: There is not one attractive woman on the University of Purdue's campus. Not one. I realize they're an engineering school, and I realize that it's in Indiana, but how the hell is that even possible? I went out there to visit my best friend and her husband for four days and we actually had to invent a phrase called "Indiana Cute" to give us a break from the constant disappointment. If I ever go back to that ****hole, it’ll be too soon. My girlfriend actually told me that if I ever cheated on her, my punishment was that we were going to move to West Lafayette.
Temple
PR Tipoff Bio: The Owls return to San Juan for the first time since 2007, when they managed only a 1-2 mark in the Puerto Rico Tip-Off. Fran Dunphy's club returns several key seniors including guard Ramone Moore, a Second-Team All-A-10 selection, point guard Juan Fernandez, an All-A-10 Third-Teamer and forward Scootie Randall, Honorable Mention, three of the team’s top four scorers last season. Khalif Wyatt, the team’s fifth-leading scorer and top three-point threat also returns.
What You Should Know: I refuse to take a team seriously when their best player is named Scootie. Seriously, there are probably other things to make fun of here, but I just can’t get over that. His name is Scootie. SCOOTIE.
Western Michigan
PR Tipoff Bio: The Broncos are going to be tough to buck as they return their entire starting five from the unit that won the Western Division of the Mid-American Conference. Leading Western are senior guard Demetrius Ward, a second-team All-Mid-American performer, and the conference’s seventh-best three-point shooter (39.6 percent), senior forward Flenard Whitfield, an all-conference honorable mention, and sophomore forward Juwan Howard, Jr., a member of the conference All-Freshman Team and the son of former Michigan Fab Fiver Juwan Howard. Sophomore center Matt Stainbrook, ninth in the conference in rebounding (6.4 rpg) and third in field goal percentage (52.4 percent), is a force inside, while junior point Mike Douglas led the MAC in assist-to-turnover ratio (2.27), was third in assists (4.94 apg) and sixth in steals (1.62 apg).
What You Should Know: Everything you read about Western Michigan is that they’re the dominant team in the Western Division of the MAC. Do you know what that means? They’re the Big XII North winner. Congratulations guys, you still suck, but you suck less than the other teams in the division. Also, their head coach is a Hawkins. This WILL NOT end well. You have been warned.
Wichita State
PR Tipoff Bio: Wichita State is a shocker in nickname only. The Missouri Valley Conference powerhouse will be a force to be reckoned with again in ’11-12. Senior guard Toure´ Murry, the MVC’s fifth-leading assist man at 3.4 apg last season, and senior David Kyles, fifth in three-point shooting (2.0 3’s per game) are back to lead the offense. They were second and third on the MVC’s top scoring team last season. Defensively, 7-0 senior center Garrett Stutz continues to blossom as an inside presence. He was among the conference’s top shot-blockers last season.
What You Should Know: They’re the Shockers. Seriously. That’s their name. I don’t know whether to mock them for that, or love them for it. Damn you Wichita State for messing with my equilibrium. On the plus side, they do hate Nebraskans, so I guess we’ll let their posters hang out on our board for a while longer.
So how will the tournament play out?
Temple beats Iona because, well, I just don’t care and that seems like the right thing to say. Purdue beats Western Michigan because you never trust a team with a coach named Hawkins. Maryland beats Bama because you fear the turtle and Colorado rolls Wichita State because that’s just how we do things.
In the second round, Colorado beats the ever loving **** out of Maryland to advance to the championship game where they play Purdue who beats Temple. Why? Because I want Colorado to beat the hell out of Purdue to make up for the four days I had to spend in that ****hole. Wichita State smacks Alabama around (deja vu for our redneck friends) and Iona beats Western Michigan (once again, can’t trust a Hawkins).
Alabama beats Western Michigan to finish 7[SUP]th[/SUP] in the tourney. Wichita State beats Iona because I still don’t know what the **** a Gael is to finish 5[SUP]th[/SUP]. In third place we let Maryland beat Temple (FEAR THE TURTLE DAMMIT!) and Colorado gets revenge for me by stomping a mudhole in Purdue in the championship game. Normally we would demand your women after a victory like that, but in this case you guys can keep them. Really, we’re good.
Congratulations, I just saved you all the effort of watching the tournament.
